Sea World

As we exited the ramp after riding the Journey to Atlantis at Sea World, I was thinking how much fun it was and how grateful I am to be healthy enough to enjoy a family vacation! Really, so truly grateful to be able to do such fun things! We are enjoying a few days vacation in San Antonio at Bryan and Kristin's. Blanche and Matt came to meet us, so we are enjoying being with out Texas kids! Life is so good.... for today, at this moment, which is truly the most important time! Loving the MOMENT!

so the wedding has come and gone!

Wow, now that went quick! All that planning and all those details, now memories we must hold on to and treasure! It was all beautiful! Blanche was a beautiful bride! And the food and flowers were all phenomenal, thanks to my friends and family who all pitched in. Things always go well when they are rooted in love. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such a loving group of people God has placed in my life. My only regret was that we were limited in the number we could affordably accommodate. But that is life, always making compromises.

We have caught our breath again and are now planning a July trip to San Antonio to visit Bryan and Kristin, which will include a day at Sea World with the kids and an evening on the River Walk, as well as a Michael Buble concert for SOME of us! We usually always plan a beach trip, but had already planned the SanAntonio trip before the beach catastrophe! Am praying daily for all those affected by the oil spill. SO sad

Matt and Blanche have returned from their honeymoon, but we haven't had a long visit yet. They will be back here late tonight, in time to spend Fathers Day with Ricky tomorrow! Can;t wait to hear about their trip and see their pics!

Here comes the bride!

This year Ricky and I will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary on June the 12th. Our daughter, Blanche is getting married this Friday, June the 11th! Have lately been paying close attention to the words "wedding vows"! I was truly a young bride, maybe even obsessed about marrying my high school sweetheart. I remember my wedding day so vividly. It was a warm sunny day, the tux's were MAUVE, truly a sign of the groovy seventies! ( Ricky had a lot more hair then! :) )I was so happy! I had NO clue what growing up together would be like. But that special day was the start of our vows. What I knew for sure was that NOTHING would ever make me walk away from the young man before me, promising his love to me. And then life happened and we were challenged time and again. Six months into our marriage we found ourselves expecting our first baby. We were so happy, ready to start the family we had hoped for... 5 maybe six children! Complications arose in the pregnancy and our first baby boy was born stillborn. It was heart wrenching, more pain than I had ever imagined. There we were, two teenagers grieving a lost child, hoping to be able to one day breathe again after the pain would subside a little! The young man who vowed his love to me grew up a little that year as he tried to carry the broken shell of his young bride. That was our first experience of the depth of the wedding vows! Many trying times followed, along with much joy and many precious memories. Our hardest task, to date, is raising our children... PARENTING... one of my biggest challenges ever! Yet God stands with us as we fumble through and make many mistakes, mistakes that hopefully our children will forgive us for later when they meet similar challenges when they are all parents.
And then came cancer. If at that point I had ever doubted my husband's commitment to me, I am convinced now that love can be so deep, it lives in our very core, in our soul, where it is so profound when we share that kind of love, it is Christ himself, loving our spouse! I have received that love from my spouse, my life partner! I rejoice in our pain, because it gave us an opportunity to love so deeply!
My wish for Blanche and Matt, as well as all of my children, is to find ways to love so deeply. I pray that your lives are blessed with so much joy and with as little pain as possible, but if life presents circumstances that bring suffering and anguish, you will grab hold of each other and support and love each other through every thing, especially the hard times. There have been many instances that would have made it easy to give up and walk away, but we held on to the vows, whenever we couldn't find a thing to love in each other. And with the vows, each time God brought us back to a place of love! I wish Blanche and Matt all the joy in the world and a lifetime commitment of everlasting love and the strength to love deeply even through the tough times. I love wedding vows!

life after cancer!

I like the sound of that...AFTER cancer! Was just having a talk with the twins, explaining how the difficult experience of cancer actually gave us many blessings and lessons we may have never learned without it!

Today I ran into a friend in the store and she tearfully shared how touched she was each time she read my blog. And she said she often still pulls it up to read, even though I rarely post anymore, because she needs to reread my old posts of when I was struggling through some very tough times! Somehow, those intense feelings I was able to convey in writing, moved her, when she was down, she could gather strength through my courage. At the time I didn't think I was courageous... I was just venting my feelings on a blog that happened to be available for others to read. I had prayed that using a blog to journal could possibly touch others who needed to hear my story, but I guess I never really imagined that it did.

What I realize about life is that each of us suffer certain tragedies, things we think we can't survive in one piece! It doesn't have to be cancer, it can be other challenges... relationship struggles, financial burdens, grief, problems with children... it can be anything. And while we suffer through it, it is painful and frightening. I faced my cancer, just as each of you have to face whatever brings you anxiety in your life. None if it can be measured or compared for that matter. My illness, for me was monumental, and life changing, just as your problems are very big to you. What we must keep at the center of it ALL is trust in a God whose plan far outweighs our expectations. It will all pass, sooner or later and yes we will suffer again. Our God is a generous God and he will always be there to lift us out of those miserable places.

Today I feel strong, yet still have that space in my heart that longs for peace. Raising our family is challenging everyday! My teenagers are living in a world that doesn't live by the morals and codes we would want for them. So peace is hard to come by, as we fumble through this thing called parenting. My love for my family has grown day by day, and my experience with cancer was an integral part of our family's love. It is never over... the journey continues as I keep grasping at the lessons that each day, whether filled with heartache or joy, brings! It is what we are all called to do. Easy? No! but so worth it...

It took awhile for me to feel physically strong again, each day is better and better. It will take a lifetime to get spiritually strong, because each day is vital to our spirit! The strengthening of my spirit is a work in progress.

Bryan, Kristin and little Miss Evie!

My son Bryan and his precious little family, had a very awesome photo shoot out here on the farm. Here is a sneak peek of the awesome outcome! ... by Jason Cohen

My place I call home!

Today I treated myself and attended an art expression class at the Miles Perret Center. I have been feeling so unfocused and unsettled lately. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but am sure it has to do with our normal everyday, getting back to life after cancer. Am also beginning a litany of 4 month check ups and bone density tests and a mammogram! Maybe THAT is why I'm a little uneasy... always praying for a great outcome, but not denying that there is always some fear of recurrence! So anyway, I thought I would go the the art class to relieve some of that tension. I love the synchronicity of life!

The instructor is a local artists who's work has been featured in galleries in the south. She was a very sweet young lady, who asked us to paint a picture of our house, one that reflects us, as though we were the house. There were no instructions, just free reign over anything you wanted to express! When I picked up the brush I drew a blank... what does "my house" look like? I felt a surge of anxiety come over me, having to face what my house is! But I dug deep and found there are many pleasant things about "my house"! My real house, the one I live in, is beginning to reflect who I am. Little by little I am getting clearer about what I like and what makes me feel good. I had a conversation about desiring PEACE yesterday before my art class with my friend, Father Buddy! I told him how I strongly desire peace in my life, my family and my heart. It's like after the cancer, I want to choose a life full of love and communicate the peace of our Lord in every moment, but the rest of "my world" didn't get the memo! And then when chaos erupts around me I fall into the ruckus and loose the grasp I have on my peace. But Jesus says to us, "My peace I leave with you"! So what I trust is that even when the outside influences of my life are unsettled, I can draw peace only from God, because he IS our only source of peace. It is normal to desire an outwardly peaceful life, but the peace we hold in our heart, is the truest peace there is! I was intrigued by the stories that each artist shared, all the paintings so reflective of their journey, especially their journey with cancer! I am grateful and humbled by their sharing of their stories! ...

So I finally engaged in the project and have posted my rendition of my "house". I am bright in color and trust in explosive sunsets, (the kind you can't describe), there is comfort in the warmth of my doorway, (I will keep it unlocked so that you may enter my heart), to enter my house you must first cross the threshold of God's peace, ("one that keeps your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."). The flowers of my life are in bloom again and bring a quiet joy to my soul. There is a rocking chair on my front porch where I can pause in the stillness of love and gently rock with the Lord as the March winds whisper my lullabye! Yes, there is peace in my home, I just have to slow down long enough to embrace it!

I am so glad I took the time to do something for me yesterday, thanks to the Miles Perret Center for helping to feed my soul!

When I came home I chose to put my painting on the mirror ledge in my laundry room, Lord knows I need some peace in that room! When I placed it on the shelf I noticed that the prayer calendar right next to it was open to a page about the peace of GOD! No coincidence, just God's plan!

I love Lent!

Every year I get so excited about Lent! I know that sounds crazy, but it's my time to regroup and get consciously aware of what I am doing in my spiritual life! As I reflect on the experiences I had in this last year, I can clearly see the spiritual ups and downs that accompanied my physical pain! When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was totally at God's mercy depending on Him for every moment! Then I became so physically challenged, I could not gather up the energy to pray, so others did it for me. As time went on I could clearly feel I was being changed, shaped into something new! I had the most pure "live like you were dying" attitude. I was realizing the preciousness of life and began to appreciate things and people I had taken for granted! For awhile I lived out of a soft smile that acknowledged the goodness in my life, even the goodness in my self... something I had never processed. My children began to connect with the "soft" mom! The one with her guard down, the one who isn't perfect, after all! As days went by, I became unsettled, confused and desperately low spiritually. My once positive attitude had become diminished by the realty of life and its trials. I reflect today on how difficult it was at times to even get out of the bed, to do someone's hair, when my stomach was on fire, from the chemo treatment "they"called the RED DEVIL. There were days when I could have just melted away in the cocoon of my bed... just being still, just BEING! I had never in my life given in to ANYTHING. I, historically always come out swinging. But somewhere in this experience I learned to give in. NOT GIVE UP... but GIVE IN! I had to trust that the journey was for something. When I was stripped of my hair, and even my lashes and brows I felt naked, stripped down with no way to cover myself. I had to come to terms with my vanity and it was difficult, very difficult! And though it wasn't pretty, it was in fact beautiful! I had to be me, with no cover up! I began to like me, dare I even say LOVE me! And that is a great feeling.

At times now I feel more confused than anything, combining bits and pieces of the old me with the new me! I am a new creation, and the pieces don't fit just right yet. And I have learned we are in CONSTANT formation. It never ends. Even today will change me in some way. I pray that during this lent God shows me more of my new self and I pray that he knows I want to do His work. I want to share my life and my story to bring others closer to Him. I ask Him also today to give me a taste of that feeling of the humbled soft mom, whose children trust her love and enjoy her company. My time in the cocoon, the bleakness of winter, the devout time of Lent... all have a purpose, mirrors of life unfolding, redemption and resurrection! But first we must endure and GIVE IN to what today brings. I am so glad to have the faith that God has a plan and is with us in our suffering. Am grateful for the lesson of appreciating all of my blessings, big and small! Enjoy the pictures of my two little blessings of this past year!