Last night I had my dear girlfriends over for our monthly supper club! It is always a good , solid evening filled with laughter and wisdom. Last night was almost like a mini retreat. We always have prizes each time we gather. I had found these wonderful little journals, each one with a unique quote that "magically" fit each one of my guests. I added a personal note to each friend on the inside cover of the journals. I had prayed about what to write in each journal, asking God to work through me, to speak to my friends! It is strange for me, but what I've noticed is that since my diagnosis, the Lord gently converses with me, especially about my friends. So when I pray for them, I know if there is something I need to communicate to them, Jesus will tell me. As I wrote in their journals I was sure the words that showed up were not mine! As we went around the table, wiping many a tear, I was certain the Holy Spirit moved gently in the circle! I love it when the Spirit shows up like that and we sit in awe, with all the How did you knows, and the Wow this is crazy's! But what He manifested last night was so healing in so many ways for each of us in many different areas! I listened closely to their willingness to be open with their experiences and I bravely came forward with the acknowledging of my fears. It was freeing in a sense to speak openly about having fear of the obvious (breast cancer) but freeing to be vulnerable enough to face the fear and trust in a God that protects. The "old" Madelene didn't have many, if any fears. Yet she had a hard outer shell, never even daring to come close to such intimacy! So actually admitting my fears, allows me a much freer spirit. I am not INVINCIBLE after all and that's okay. I also acknowledged my gratefulness for being lifted to know I am worthy of treating myself to many pleasures that God is ready to bless me with! I was able to declare my willingness to explore regions of my heart that needed nurturing. My desire for grace is very strong. God is certainly calling me! I have a hunch we really pissed off the devil with our prayerful supper!...Which leads me to my story of my lessons from God today. I love the Miles Perret Center and try to take advantage of the things they offer that interest me. Last month I was scheduled to receive a REIKI session at the Miles Perret Center. Everything offered at the center is free of charge done with many volunteers that work really hard to see that the cancer patients are well taken care of. So last month they called me the day of my appointment to say that I would have to reschedule because the girl who does the Reiki wasn't able to be there and although I was disappointed, I certainly understood. I was then rescheduled for another appointment for today. I blocked out my afternoon on my book and thought, what a great treat this would be because my birthday is tomorrow! A gift to myself! When I showed up at my appointment I found out that "my" appointment wasn't mine! And as the sweet little, innocent receptionist tried to explain that I wasn't down on the books, I found myself acting like my own clients who show up as a result of a mixup and they just stand there waiting for you to be able to do 2 people at one time!!!! I felt so disappointed! Like, ridiculously, disappointed! I thought to myself come on, geeze, the other lady had cancer too! She deserves this just as much as you. So I sulkingly walked away and went to my car and as I opened the door to the car I burst into tears, uncontrollable tears, stupid, crazy tears and asked God, "Why the hell are you so good at sending messages for my fricking friends, yet I am sitting in my car CRYING over a "weird massage" that I'm not gonna get?" ( HOW STUPID CAN ONE GIRL BE?) I think it is the lack of Estrogen! lol! (guess what, it was not about the massage!) And he didn't answer me! SO I thought to myself, I'm gonna go shopping instead, so I traveled down Kaliste Saloom, crying that stupid ugly cry, wiping my tears all the way and then I pulled into the CLOTHES MENTOR parking lot (a new consignment shop with nice inexpensive upscale clothes.) As I walked in the door, the cheerful young clerk says, "Good afternoon ma'am, we are presently accepting clothes on consignment but will not be SELLING any clothes till Sept. 26th!" I looked at her like I look at my DOG when he messes up my flower bed. She said you are certainly welcome to look around. So for 30 minutes I looked at clothes that I liked, that I could afford, that I COULD NOT BUY! After enough of that torture I decided to come home and blog about it so I could start to feel better. I new today 's experience was going to be a lesson about matters of my soul, not about appointments.
My first thought, certainly not from God, was "you see, I am really not worthy of being treated special, I really don't deserve that complimentary massage thingy, the other lady deserved it more than me!!!""" blah blah blahblah!!! What I realized was how difficult it was to even make the appointment, to set aside time just for me! And it's not that I didn't get it. Its that I had ventured out of my comfort zone to be kind to myself and then felt cheated of my good intent of treating myself! But in my heart I know that Jesus wants me to relax, he wants to shower me with love and wonderful experiences, and he does. He thinks I am special and he loves giving to others through me, He says thanks to me for being a vessel of his love and when I least expect it I will be abundantly blessed with the ability to relax and breathe and trust in His plan. I will never be able to completely quit sharing spaces and pleasures with others in this lifetime, not with 8 kids and a husband anyway! It is what we are called to do everyday. Everyday we must adjust and bend for the benefit of others, especially if we are wives and mothers. But, today, my brother Jesus, tells me not to give up, to continue to claim joy and peace to be in my life, and even when it doesn't work out like I think it should, somewhere around the corner is another opportunity to treat myself to something nurturing and special! Come to think of it I have a gift certificate for a massage sitting on my desk that I will cash in very soon. For today I pray that the other cancer lady enjoyed her reiki appointment and benefitted fully from the experience. And I mean that with all my heart! Because she deserves it too! We all deserve all the blessings possible, and they come in little bits and pieces, through new baby's giggles and sharing good wine and food with the best of friends, being held close at night by a husband who loves me unconditionally, watching two teenagers grow up right before my eyes, and oh yes, this is a big one, turning another year older! Why was all of this so emotional for me, I do not know...Meanwhile i just want a damn massage! Wow, now that feels better!!
To all my friends at the Miles Perret Center, I love all that you have done for me and am grateful for the many benefits you have given me.
I have had many a mix ups in my own scheduling appointments for my hair clients....it just happens sometimes! I am just an emotional crazy lady! And God had to find a way to speak to me today and to humble me! Good job, God!
