THANKSGIVING!!!!

WOW! Thanksgiving,  a deeper meaning? A resounding YES!!!  For today I will only give thought to my blessings, because when I woke up this morning and opened my eyes I was already praying, "Please Lord, let me feel good today, please let me have an appetite so I can appreciate all the delicious food my family helped to prepare." And then I realized that very moment the Lord wanted me to feel good and be blessed in this day, it  was  the dern devil that wanted me to wallow in my yuck and stay just like I was the last few days, so I quickly bid him BEHIND me and proceeded to have a great day. I even enjoyed the food and was so grateful for being surrounded by all of my kids and my mom!  

My gratitude list:

I am grateful for my husband, my own personal hero,  and my kids and their spouses,  Mimis 2 grand babies who are on the way, my mom ( and her grandmothers cranberry recipe) my  sisters,(the best you could ask for), my faith, the great food we ate today, Blair's turkey cookies, all the kind people that have cooked for us for the last 2 months, the great people who've cleaned my house,  my doctors and nurses, my friend Kathy who would do anything if she could take this away from me, my friend Cheryl who profoundly knows from experience the balance of suffering combined with not letting the good stuff get away, my friend Jan who quietly shows up with surprises that make me smile, my new friend Jenny, who was diagnosed the same time as me, who I hardly know but already love, my friends from the past who still love me and send me sweet cards in the mail, my friend Melba who has loved me since high school and will entertain me at her house this Monday for a 2 day long holiday Bash ( I can't wait), my friend Laurice who I loved the minute I met her, whose own personal journey would inspire me then and especially now, my friend Sandra whose knowledge of dimpling related to  breast cancer got me to the mammogram in a timely fashion, (she helped save my life!!) my circle of friends in my supper club who have deeply shared their souls with me through thick and thin, who surround me with love every  month, (I hope I give them  even a morsel of what they give me), my friends who are also my clients, you are all so kind and patient and giving, my friends at Rayne Catholic, your love and prayers and meals sustain us all, my kids teachers, (thanks for taking care of my kids at this challenging time), my friend Robin who taught me to trust God and myself, my friend Father Buddy Breaux who listens with his heart and lets me articulate what this all means spiritually to me, my friend Joy whose soup always hits the spot, my friend Caroline, who makes me smile while she always safely and cautiously prepares me for the reality of what life brings physically, she is a natural care taker and would do anything for me, (a superb nurse!), my cousins and Aunts and Uncles who take the time to stay connected to me from miles away, ..... Oh my God there are so many people who've reached out in so many ways, the cards, the relics, the rosaries, the books, the flowers, the plants, the people who helped decorate my room, on and on and on... surprise visits from people I haven't seen in years, the people who read this blog that I never even met before...

and then there are the sunsets, the rainbow I saw the other day, the flowers that are blooming in my flower bed that Stacey cleaned out and Ricky planted, the thanksgiving mass that Father Bill celebrated today, the fire that I will sit by tonight on the patio, sharing a meal with my  kids today, my new mac computer that I'm becoming such a computer nerd on, my job decorating for Ronnie, Melba's husband (he is the kindest, most generous boss anyone could have), less hot flashes (thank you Our Lady of Menopause), the weather today, childhood memories of turkeys made from apples and marshmallows, (thanks Donna and John) , the promise of  the Birth of our Lord.... I love my life, I am extremely blessed, I am forever grateful to God and all of you for a life experience that pleases me beyond my wildest dreams. Daddy, if you're in heaven reading this email, lol, know that I am grateful that God chose you to be my Dad, you taught me the importance of a positive attitude and a kind smile for everyone, you will always be my hero! The lessons I learned from you are the essence of why I can make it through each day of chemo, fighters never give up and always intend to WIN! Even though I call this my DANCE! Triumph, I will!

(The top picture is Blanche hugging Blair and Lil Baby Audrey, with me to the left with no butt and no hair!)

My emotion, uncensored!

     It's been a long two months and for any of you who've followed this blog, you know that I have tried to keep it real and pleasantly entertaining, but I have come to a place that can't be embellished by carefully chosen words, for there are no words. But the pictures, my friends will not lie. The truth is captured in my eyes, reflective of the much needed  bravery I must  claim every morning when I face a new day, yet these same eyes cannot  hide the pain and disappointment and anxiety that I feel when I really think about what is unfolding in this process called chemo therapy. 

     It is no secret that I am a vain person. I love trendy clothes and shoes and have a serious addiction to lipstick, mascara and eye makeup. It is part of who I am. It is my job! People pay me to help them look good! So at  the onset of my hair finally beginning to fall out, I felt myself slide into a frenzy of emotion!  I had read that 70-90% of the women who have breast cancer's worst fear is the hair loss. I now understand that high percentage rate. It really feels SUCKY to loose your hair, NO LIE!  Our hair is such a part of who we are as women. And even though I have spent all of my parenting years saying, "It's what's on the inside that counts!", now I have to embrace those words myself and make them really count. So digging as deep as I can, I am seeing that I truly do love myself. I love my sense of humor, I love my gutsiness for opening my heart to having a big family,  (I didn't really know how hard it would be) I love my creative mind and my willingness to participate in life, I love my devotion to my friends and theirs' to me, I love my willingness to admit my failures  and imperfections (only newfound since the cancer!) I love my eyes, because they can't hide my smile, I love my positive attitude (sometimes hard to muster lately) and I love my willingness to be honest. This may all seem boastful, but I feel its important to embrace our "good stuff". It is the essence of what God created in us. Somewhere in all of this I am finally "GETTING" that God doesn't want us sitting around doubting our deservedness! He doesn't want us wasting precious moments focusing on our inadequacies, and our faults and failings. He wants us to rise up and and feel empowered by the experience that life is providing. He wants us to empower others. We can praise him through our grateful hearts, even when our life is challenged, because no matter what, there is always something good going on in our circle! There are blessings even in the worst of days.  I want my children to  learn early in life to appreciate  all the goodness they possess, before they doubt the very blessings they have inside. But sometimes, even when we know all the "good stuff" life just creeps up and zaps you of your MOJO! That happened to me on the third day of this second round of chemo! I felt like crap, nauseated as hell,  and got really depressed laying in bed with hair shedding all over my pillow! So today when I woke up with hair in my mouth, I decided it was SHAVE THE HEAD DAY! I had to have Ricky around for that big task, cuz he is my earthly ROCK. But the twins wanted to help too, while Bryan and Kristin would handle the photo journaling of the event! It was emotional, to say the least. But I feel set free now that it's over. Amen to that! Above are the pictures that captured my emotion for the day. It is REAL! REALLY REAL! If you have followed along on this blog feeling the slightest bit tempted to post a comment and have not done so I encourage  you to do so now. And if you don't, that is certainly okay too! I am in awe that any one even follows this blog/ journal! You can not fathom how deeply I value your love and support. I do this blog to express myself, to purge and cleanse all that rises up from my soul, to help me cope, but some where along the way God whispered to me that  it was for you too! I think that sometimes we all stand guarded with our words for fear of not saying the "right" thing, while the "recipient" of your unspoken words waits anxiously to gather every morsel God can send through those we love! I love you all so much.  I guess today wasn't a total waste of hairspray after all!  

Cancer is limited... It cannot silence courage,  it cannot invade the soul, it cannot reduce eternal life  and it cannot quench the spirit.

Oh, YIE-YIE!

CHEMO, TAKE TWO!

Today I had my second round of chemo. Malorie dropped by for a quick visit, which helped make the time go by a little quicker. I went in the afternoon and it was quiet in the treatment room. I ended up all by myself and got to visit with the nurses and Dr. Brierre. We laughed and had a good time. I am in awe of their gentle, kind way of helping their patients feel so at ease. In a time and place that is so unfamiliar, I find myself putting all of my faith and trust in the belief that God has led me exactly where he wants me.  And in an odd,  bittersweet way this experience, although challenging and scary, is bringing peace, joy and new friendships. God is good in the sneakiest way! 

"Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's."

Chronicles 20:15

PINK HAIR!

Okay, I did it! My hair is PINK!! When I woke up this morning I was beginning to SHED! So all day I anticipated big clumps of hair falling out, but it never got much worse. So I decided that today would be a good day to do the pink hair thing, since tomorrow may be too late. I think the kids were shocked that I really did it. Day by day I am coming to terms with the hair loss situation. Day by day, I am realizing I have very little control over much. So tomorrow if my hair starts to REALLY fall out a lot we will shave it all off. I can have control over the day that I go completely  bald!! For today, I'm just a regular rock star mom!

Everyone has fun with my wigs!

I've been feeling great lately, thanks be to God. Last night Father Buddy came over and we all had a great visit. Father Buddy is a dear friend of our family. We don't see him as often as we would like but when we do it is always good!  We shared some great food and wine, played with my wig and hat collection and had a deep talk about the effect the cancer has had on me as well as the rest of the family. It felt good to  talk about the whirlwind we have been through and appreciate how close it has brought my family. I expressed that my usual response to most things lately is tears. Not really of anger or extreme sadness, although I do feel sad at times. But the tears have been about being "full"! Like the fullness of the HOLY SPIRIT. A full heart, overflowing with love, because so much has been given to me as a result of the breast cancer.  I could never properly express how grateful I am to each person who has reached out to me, cooked for us, prayed for us, sent cards and letters. I am in AWE of God's bountiful love! That brings joy to my heart and that is why I cry.  I am  so blessed.

     I still have my hair and have cut it extremely short in anticipation of shaving it before it falls out. In the picture above, I am wearing the wig that I got that seems most like my natural hair.

I'm guessing that it  will begin to fall out any day now. I am preparing a HAIR slideshow for that "special" day! I am still holding true to my promise to my children to color it PINK before the last day. So for at least one day they will have a ROCK STAR mom!

"How we thank you Lord,  your mighty miracles give proof that you care."

Psalm 75:1

A Boudreaux Family Picture

Well, here we are... all 13 of us! THE WHOLE FAM DAMILY!!  My special request to all of my kids was to take a family picture, before I lost all my hair as a result of the chemo. They agreed and since Bryan has been dabbling in photography he agreed to try to capture the essence of our family. So amidst the whining, laughter, complaining and  even a SNAKE... I think he succeeded! When I look at us all together, I can hardly believe this is our very own big, hu-normous family. What a blessing! I am so glad we did this.  (In the bottom photo from left to right are: Glen and Blair, Ben, Maddie, Layni, Me and Ricky, Haley, Blanche, Tyler and Malorie, Kristin and Bryan.)

You can click on each of these two pictures to get a closer view of each photo. Then you can really see how cute and gorgeous each of our kids and their spouses are!! Okay, I know I'm bragging!

"You are members of God's family... We who believe are carefully joined together, becoming a holy temple for the Lord." 

Ephesians 3: 19-21

Getting back on track!

     Well I guess this is all a learning experience. I've learned that day # 3 of chemo for me, is not that great. Some of the medicine kicks in and some of it wears off! It left me with some unresolved nausea that lingered most of the day and night. I was able to alleviate it with the nausea medicine and next time I will not let it get ahead of me! I was told that the shot used to boost the white blood count would possibly cause some bone and joint pain, likely by the 6th day. That has not happened as of yet, so I am glad I haven't had to deal with that pain and the nausea at the same time. So far, all in all, if this is as bad as it gets, then I am grateful that I can manage through most days normally with only mild modifications. I am learning the signals of my body and have a tremendous respect for when it calls me to rest. I don't get out much yet, can't figure if that's a physical or emotional response, but for now HOME feels the best!    

     The other night when I was feeling so weak and so rotten  I gave up and laid in bed, as STILL as I could, Ricky took some time to just sit and grill with a couple or 4 beers. I was glad he was trying to chill out and then suddenly everyone was scurrying about, fetching towels and mops. When somebody finally came it the bedroom to tell me what was going on I realized that a water pipe had burst in the outdoor kitchen/ bathroom wall.... Surely you jest, Jesus? So much for Ricky relaxing. He jumped right in, cut the sheetrock, stopped the leak, cleaned it all up, (with the help of a few Boudreaux's) and finished up supper and never complained. He said we can add PLUMBER to the list of  "NURSE, DOCTOR, COACH, TAXI, CHEF, LAUNDRY/MAID, .... He is all that and much more. Each day, more and more his love for me astounds my soul! Thank you God for my family and friends. 

     It has been such a rollercoaster of emotion, dealing with my feelings, as well as everyone else's, dealing with my physical limitations, and managing doing things, that before, never took much thought. We have to cautiously plan and schedule important things, so they don't fall around the first few days of chemo. Lessons are being learned everyday and I am embracing the sweet moments of needing God so desperately.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, I am strong."

2 Corinthians: 8-10

POO YIE! YUK!

Me and My Two Bald Guys!

Today I had an appointment with Dr. Joseph Brierre for my injection for my white blood count. He was a really good sport when I pulled out my camera and told him he'd be on my blog tonight. It is important for me to include the pictures because these are the special people God has placed in my path to help me along to restored health. Not only has he sent me competent, knowledgeable people, but they are good hearted, faith filled individuals who make me feel safe in their care. And for that I am grateful.
So as you can see in the picture, at first glance Dr. Brierre and Ricky do kinda look alike. In a few days when I'm as bald as the two of these guys, we'll take another picture!

"No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
1 Thess. 5:18

Chemo and ORGANIC GUMBO!! (bet I have your attention now!)

Bet you're wondering how I can combine my first chemo story with GUMBO! What do you expect when "Boudreaux goes for chemo?" So I started the day asking God to take away my anxiety and when I was ready to give it up, he took it and it vanished. Thanks for the prayers for that. The unknown is always the scariest part of doing something new. God replaced my fears with courage, (add courage to my new favorite words list) Speaking of courage, the young man in the picture with me is Stephen Prevost. He is a cousin of mine (on the Zaunbrecher side) Stephen has been undergoing treatments for cancer for quite some time. I was humbled to share my chemo time with such a fine young man who amazes the nurses with his tenacity and ability to keep on truckin' in spite of his rigorous treatments. Please keep Stephen in your prayers each day. Soooo anyway, the gumbo thing... Stephen was telling Ricky and I that he was on an all organic diet, and said that he had made an Organic Gumbo. Well, of course we got the recipe and will try it out. His cute little fiance', Sara, said you would never know it wasn't regular gumbo. He makes his own roux with organic whole wheat flour and olive oil and then adds the other organic ingredients of choice! There's one of the unexpected blessings of chemo.
The actual process of the chemo was surprisingly painless (all that wasted anxiety and worrying for nothing!) The little stick to insert the needle into the mediport was easy and I didn't have any particular sensation as the drug made it's way throughout my body "cleaning house" as someone described it to me. I did have a nagging headache today and really laid low all afternoon. The next few days I may have some bone and joint pain associated with the meds given to boost my white blood count. Everyone reacts differently, so this week is like my trial run, so then I'll be able to gauge how I can schedule work, play and rest according to MY own individual reaction to all this STUFF!.
The nurses were super and I think going to a small center will have some great benefits as far as patient/nurse ratio and relationship. Everyday I thank God for the unique individuals he sends my way to care for me. The nurses in the picture will be my "peeps" for the next few months. Both of them are named Tracy. I made a new friend over the phone through Dr. Breaux's office. One day soon she and I will meet in person, but for now we just support each other over the phone, journeying into the unknown. Her name is Jenny and she also started her chemo today (in the Lafayette office... I was able to do mine in Crowley as a convenient location) Please pray for her as well. Well that's all I know for today. As each day unfolds time will tell me what to expect. For today, LIFE IS GOOD, WAY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED!

"And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure to his stature or to the span of life?"
Matthew 6:27

Layni's Birthday Party

Layni was all smiles posing here with her friends and I while we celebrated her birthday at Pizza Hut. After she and her friends enjoyed their pizza we had birthday cake at home. She plans to buy a digital camera with the $$ she got for her birthday. Maybe she can help take pictures for the blog now! 

Remembering good times and making new memories!

We thoroughly enjoyed our weekend at the lake. My mom got to fish again for the first time in 12 years. It was her first trip back to Toledo Bend since Dad passed away. She was such a trooper, even though the fish were not really biting, she was so glad to drop a line in the water!! It took her a while to relax and get beyond the fact that it made her sad to be there without Dad. We took her to see her old camp and her next door neighbor from 12 years ago was outside and they were both so very glad to see each other. Ms. Alma, (the old neighbor) said that she had just thought about Mom this week and she couldn't believe that she "showed up" this weekend! God always has a plan! It was definitely bittersweet. Haley and Maddie brought along Sarah Ledet, a friend, and the three of them and Layni had fun on the dock and helping Aunt Sheila collect firewood for the the firepit. Of course we had S'mores for dessert! Ricky kept Momo all rigged up for fishing and each time the little bream would steal her bait, she'd say, "One more worm and that's it, I quit!" Then she'd get a good bite and say okay,  one more time!! She hasn't smiled like that in a while. I am so glad she decided to come along. Brooke came with Blanche. She is like one of the fam and always makes me laugh! Sheila and I taught Blanche and Brooke about the value of a good red wine and  I must say they learn very quickly! They stayed out by the fire very late and enjoyed their wine after the S'more Fest! Sheila and I didn't understand why they didn't have hot flashes in the night after drinking too much  wine... Oh yeah, there in their twenties....not their fifties!!  Life is good. So very good! I do feel anxious when I first wake up each day and then I remind myself of all that is right in my world and God lifts me up again. With Tuesday being my first day of chemo, we decided to celebrate Layni's birthday early and have her party tomorrow (on Monday)  afternoon. She will be 11 on the 10th. Now that's something to celebrate! Am trying to still be Mom in the midst of a whirlwind of change and disruption. My children have been patient and loving in spite of the turmoil. A birthday celebration will  make tomorrow a very special day. 

"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children."

Lamentations 2:19