A different kind of Christmas

I wish I could sit here and write about the fantastic Christmas we had and how all is well, but truth be told it was a little difficult. Life as we know it at Christmas time was not at all familiar. We kept it simple with just our kids here...yes I know just our kids means a lot of people. We did that on purpose trying to keep things a little quiet. That was a good thing, because I basically just laid around holding my stomach, trying to find ways to ease up the discomfort. My daughter is dating a really sweet guy, who visited a couple of times during the holidays and I commented how he really hasn't "met" me, cuz who I am today is not the real me... I'm not sure who I will be after all of this, but I am certainly not the person who has to muster up strength to get out of bed and find safe foods to eat that will not tear me up inside. I have realized that I was truly not prepared for the emotional toll the chemo would take on me. I expected physical discomfort, yet even with that,  I thought I would be one of those that "Breezes" through the chemo! If I am honest with myself, I would say it has been hard physically as well as emotionally. Feelings of inadequacy and fatigue sometimes consume my once optimistic mind and it takes everything I have to make it through a day! And right when I'm about to give up I finally start to feel physically better and I rally up and enjoy a few days before my next chemo.

I know that many people have  it much worse than I do and I can't imagine what they must have to go through in their treatments. I believe strongly in a God that carries us when we can not do it alone. More and more I depend on my faith to get us through these times that will bring us to a brighter day. And if I am honest with myself, I can admit that sometimes I am not comfortable in my own skin, that somehow Madelene has gone away and I try to figure out ways to find her again. I have found comfort in tear drops that cleanse me from the inside.  I used to have no patience for my tears, now I relish in them knowing that as each one rolls down my face it has  a purpose in my healing, the one that Jesus is in charge of...my spirit and my life... and as that healing takes place there will be no room for cancer! I pray that I can continue to embrace the beautiful lessons that continue to unfold as we journey through the rest of these treatments. My lessons in love and life are immeasurably important to me as I try to grasp each one and pay close attention to what Jesus is whispering to me as he carries me through the valley. He is telling me to LOVE!  You know what? Christmas WAS different, but it was GOOD!!