Chemo is always a trip!!!

     Today started out and I pushed one of Ricky's buttons, the one I know better than to push, the financial worry button, so I guess in essence I got what I asked for.  But as a wife and mother who has always pitched in for income, I have been feeling some inadequacy in that area. So then I start worrying that "there's not enough"!! I forget about the teachings of abundance!!! Boom, just gone out the window!!! I know, that I know there is always enough... then the devil gets hold of me and I start thinking I can fix this!!! Meanwhile, some of my very kind clients, out of respect for my recovery, are not calling for appointments... Yet there are days that I feel well enough to work. I am learning patience and am praying that when the right time presents itself, all of this will work out for the better. Meanwhile I am doing what I can, when I can and I should be enjoying the times that I DO get to rest and recover! All that....da da da.... was not worth the stress it must put on Ricky to take care of me and continue to work so hard and hear me complain about my fears of income! I shed a few tears and played the I don't want to talk anymore game, then the Chemo episode cheered me up, so I'm better now! Isn't that strange that chemo would cheer me up, but if you were surrounded by the characters that I see every week you would laugh too! Blessings keep turning up in the strangest places! 

     When I got to Chemo I  was still in my quiet, leave me alone, I fear for my future mode, so I picked out my snacks of choice (you can munch while you have chemo, it helps the process) and picked out a book that caught my eye, so I could sit and read and NOT TALK!!  I have been wanting to read some more of Marianne Williamson's books and there it was on the shelf, so I picked a very appropriate title that felt right for the day... A WOMANS WORTH!!!  It truly is a wonderful book and as I read it I began to feel comforted by my feminine concerns and I can't wait to continue to gather and soak in all that she has to say!...So here I am so IN TO my book and I look up and there are 2 men starting there chemo. The nurse had given me the remote for the TV and I chose NOT to turn it on. The quiet was so good to read in! So then she gives it to one of the men. He was reading his sports section and said he would turn it on after he read the sports!  Now I must say that I am lucky at home, because for the most part Ricky is NOT a SPORTS FREAK!! With the exception of LSU football, and He doesn't ever  hoard the controller, except for LSU games!!! But this week, he has watched nothing BUT football... all the bowl games etc. So this morning, before I bitched about our finances, I said I was sick of watching football!!! POOR RICKY, I can be such a bi---! Well as I glance up from my book, I soon realize that in a room that seats 6 or 7  for chemo, all the chairs are taken and I am the only woman in the place. TV goes on and guess what?  ESPN...recapping all the "wonderful" bowl games!!  I humored them and continued to pour myself into "A WOMAN's WORTH"! 

   As I 'm reading I glance up now and then and listen to each man's story. The man across from me is battling a second round of cancer, this time stage three. He says he anxious and  is consumed with worry and can't ever sleep at  night.... The man in charge of the controller only has one more treatment left and he is at the end of his fight, he is feisty and funny!! He's ready to move on and enjoy life.... How do I know this? He asked for water and told the nurse he didn't want cold water, that he couldn't tolerate cold water. She told me that 2 or 3 of these men's chemo makes them not able to  tolerate anything cold, that it kind of sends shocks through their body....Well Mr. TV controller, Very Cajun, I might add, turns to me and says in his heavy cajun accent, "MAIS, I can't drink nuttin cold, but coffee goes down good, MAIS, I even have to drink my BEER HOT!" (Only in south louisiana!) So soon enough my spirits were lifted! But I told all the guys before I left, next week I get the controller!!!  And that is why Chemo is always a trip... sometimes the trip is more humbling than others...

     A few weeks ago I was blessed to meet this little black woman who sat next to me, who cried the whole time we visited. She said her name was "little Tina"  and she turned out to be one of my Christmas gifts that day! She told me that she was sad because she had no one to take care of her and now she was on sick leave from the church rectory as the cook.  I asked her what she liked to cook and she said everything...her best dish is cajun gumbo! But loves to bake. And she said how she loved taking care of people, especially feeding them. What a simple thing, a meal... But for her it's not just a meal, she loves to FEED people, and she probably doesn't even know that she feeds their soul with her dedication and kindness. She said how she was feeling so sick from the chemo that she couldn't cook for anyone, let alone herself. She named some of the other people she worked for in the area and they are all very prominent wealthy people, so I am sure she gets taken care of on many levels, yet I could sense in her a level of loneliness I had never seen. She said she was caring for her nephew, whose mother died during his birth... Her job is big,  she does her best and I pray that her rewards are 7 times her suffering!!!  As she watched Ricky get me settled and ask several times if he could get something for me while he was running errands, when he walked away, she said,"Oh, you better keep that man, he's a good one, they don't make em like that anymore!" She said, "Ya'll look like movie stars, I could work for ya'll"...(she didn't know we had 8 kids when she said that!") When I asked her what her favorite dessert to cook was , she said coconut amaretto cheesecake!!!!!! and she said, "When I get well I'm gonna make you one." To which I laughingly  replied, " I hope you get well soon!" After that day I wondered about her and prayed for her regularly, hoping she was okay.

     Well little TIna came by today, not for chemo, just a quick appointment and visit, she is done with her treatments, praise God! But she was still crying! She came and gave me a hug and I said, "Now little TIna, what are you crying for now?" She said, " I am sad cuz I will miss everyone over here!! And I'm still gonna come work for you.( What a blessing that would be?) 

AHH! The gifts of Chemo, humbled beyond belief, blessed beyond measure, meanwhile it sucks physically... Thats why rainbows come with rain... We have to suffer a little or sometimes alot to get the WHOLE picture, the beauty of the lessons. And yes I am looking forward to COCONUT AMARETTO cheesecake!! Thanks for  this journey, God, be it ever so humbling and miserable and rewarding! 

     p.s. My mom is not well right now, recovering from bronchitis and some serious fluid around the lungs. Please keep her in your prayers. My sisters are doing such a great job of caring for their sick mom and sister... please pray for them too!

"I have a kind and loving God, who will never be outdone in generosity." 

a friend