They used to call me smiley!

     When I was a very little girl and I would go to Boyer's Drug Store with my mom, there was a lady that worked behind the counter that would always call me "Smiley"! I remember it like it was yesterday. She knew how to make beautiful Pom pom bows out of curling ribbon, with her bare hands, no little gizmo that made it for you. I remember watching her like she was magic or something. And when she put that bow on the gift it was PERFECT!!! The gift we would always pick for everyone, especially if they were sick was a can of those candy balls with the stripes on them and when you put them in your mouth they would kind of fizz and melt away. My favorite was the citrus flavored ones... Anyway, I don't even know what that ladies' name was, but she had me convinced I was happy, Cuz every time she looked at me and called me Smiley, I would smile even more. Then one day when our family went on a social outing to someone's house for supper, as the mom's visited in the house and the dad's probably barbecued outside, the kids all played outside and one of the little girls there refused to play with me because I had "ugly teeth"! I had developed a couple of cavities, front and center and I knew it looked weird, but no one had ever told me it was UGLY.  (I guess I might've had too many citrus fizzy balls myself!)  That was my first and maybe only really humiliating experience in my first 5 or 6 years, but the impact lasted a while.... at least until those rotten teeth fell out and then my fresh crooked ones came in!! Maybe my smile faded a while, for fear of being ridiculed again, but it I was still happy! I've been basically happy most of my life, I love to laugh and enjoy making others laugh. So lately, as I struggle to find joy in anything, smiles and laughter are few and far between. I even get those emails that you answer questions in one word and I can't even identify what I like or what makes me happy right now. Even though there are lists miles long of things that are great in my life, some days I am just stuck in what feels like a time warp of waiting and waiting for things to get better. I understand now how people get depressed and have a hard time rallying up out of the funk, when they can't muster the strength to smile, let alone laugh! These times leave me as quickly as they come, so I try not to get attached to the misery.  So it really even seems pointless to write about it, because most likely by the time you read this, I will be in a better state of mind, so don't let this upset you or make you feel sorry for me. I will be okay very soon. I am just at a point where I'm trying to be real honest with myself about what this all feels like, so journaling about the anguish allows me to voice it because it is real and then release it because I desire to find my joyful spirit. 

     I kind of feel like that little girl again, like someone stole my smile from me, but I know I will find it again. It's not really even about what I LOOK like right now (a wig and expert makeup application can take care of all what the cancer and chemo did to me esthetically, that part I have down pat) It's waking up one morning realizing that some of my kids are not doing that great in school right now and I didn't even know it... it's realizing that basketball season is over and DONE, today, and I only felt good enough all season to make ONE game! It's losing the 10 pounds I always wanted to lose,  only to leave me really frail looking instead of strong and fit. 

     It's people saying to me over and over, "It could be worse!" Yes, it could be and I know that, and I sit many times in prayer for those that are worse off than me, because I can only imagine their pain, their trials, their misery! But I can only live out of what my experience is, this is the one God gave me. It is what life is presenting me right now. It is what it is. I do the best I can with what each day brings and sometimes I fail miserably. But I can no longer be the "Smiley Girl" when I don't feel like smiling! I have to learn to be okay in my own skin, even when things seem gloomy. And I can't give up hope and I desire to pray again, not just for others, but for myself!  I have to believe that this is what the chemo does, this is not who I have become! Because somewhere underneath this bald head and these achy bones, is the real Madelene and she remembers how to smile. I am realizing as I write this and my children may read it, they may think that I don't appreciate them, that they don't give me pleasure.  My family does so much to keep me lifted. They are the reason I begin again each day and  pick myself up to carry on. I am sorry that my illness has caused them pain. I hate that the most! The internal pain that I feel emotionally does not come from my outward experience, it is not because some one is not pleasing me, it is not a result of what is happening around me. It is no ones fault.  Everyone in my circle is going above and beyond anything I would have expected. The journey  is deeply personal, intensely private. So, no one can get inside my head and fix it. Only time.... I am really counting on time to take care of all of these feelings. 

     I just took a break from writing this and stepped out into the salon to cut one of my favorite clients hair. Much to my surprise she was using a cane to walk and had broken her pelvis over the Christmas holidays. This is not her only setback, she also suffers from macular degeneration and has lost the majority of her eyesight. As I stood there in awe of her, trying to take a breather from my PITY POT, I asked her if some days she doesn't feel like crying and just giving up and she said with much conviction, "That is just not an option!"

    So I sit here and promise to you that for today I will gather myself back up and carry on and not let tears and self pity be an option.... at least for today!!!

     Meanwhile, Blair has begun a smidgeon of dilating and I know I will be all smiles when I see her baby!!!  Okay..... now I feel better!