Today before I put my makeup on I REALLY looked in the mirror. OMG!!! I have maybe three hairs left on each eyebrow and eyelid. Hardly anything for mascara to cling to. I remember as a child seeing ladies who would "draw" on their eyebrows. Now I am one of them! It looks like I drew them on crooked in the picture, but I think I just have an eyebrow cocked up on one side. I also couldn't help see the affect the chemo has had on me. I look as tired as I am. I seriously think I have aged at least three years in the last 5 months. That is not the same face I started this journey with! Being dehydrated all the time has a bad affect on 51 year old skin. And there is pain in my eyes that never existed before. But something about what I saw in the mirror made me want to post it in it's raw untouched state. It is what is real to me right here and now. Yeah, I know that very few people look good without their makeup on, but because I always go around with makeup and people all say wow, you look so good, you don't look sick at all, I wanted you guys to see the real me!! But what I want you to know is that the "made-up" me is the real me too. It is who I am, it is how I roll. I guess I always figure if I walked around looking like I felt like shit then everyone would have this "poor Madelene" attitude toward me and I would start needing the sympathy... It's kinda hard to describe, but I feel better dwelling on how good things can be rather than dwelling in the low and dark places! Melba sent me a youtube video of her "breast cancer survivor'" friend who does speaking engagements to tell her story and encourage other women on the journey. She is a super lady with spunk and class. www.youtube.com/gracegivens I have taken this quote from her website, which is similar to what I'm thinking works best for me... "If you force yourself to look terrific, even in the throes of chemo, you can trick yourself into believing that you are well, and survival will follow. Once survival has been achieved and your power has resurged, it will become incumbent on you to live each moment to the fullest and to share the gift with others. You must give back!"
For now, what I know for sure, is that the girl in the picture is really that tired, she is really not as vivacious as she used to be, but one day soon she will emerge from this and be vibrant and full of life again. For right now she depends on the love and support of her family and friends to remind her that she will return! Til then, I just fake it til I make it! (and thank God in heaven I am good at applying makeup!)
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
-Donna Roberts
2 comments:
And TODAY is a new day that God has given you and your family. Love the new baby girl. 2 weeks ago my sons friends mother went for a check up.. you know the rest of the story. As you are almost through with your treatment, someone else is starting. You are so insprining with your blog that I'm passing on your email where she ( Susan) can get the real side of cemo. I did not blog,( I did journel) wish that I would have, seems to be a great release. You really get raw with what is really inside. I love reading it, it is like been there done that. The good news there is a end to this. God said " this too will pass", and it will. Keep counting down the treatments, makes you get in the morning. Always praying for you.
Love ya Bridgette Ott
Loved Matt's "Everything" great song and a comforting voice...m-m I truly revel in your spunk...you have a courageous spirit that goes beyond the call...Stan "the man" is truly looking down on you with a smile that would fill any room...I see his spirit shining through you!!!
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