Every year I get so excited about Lent! I know that sounds crazy, but it's my time to regroup and get consciously aware of what I am doing in my spiritual life! As I reflect on the experiences I had in this last year, I can clearly see the spiritual ups and downs that accompanied my physical pain! When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was totally at God's mercy depending on Him for every moment! Then I became so physically challenged, I could not gather up the energy to pray, so others did it for me. As time went on I could clearly feel I was being changed, shaped into something new! I had the most pure "live like you were dying" attitude. I was realizing the preciousness of life and began to appreciate things and people I had taken for granted! For awhile I lived out of a soft smile that acknowledged the goodness in my life, even the goodness in my self... something I had never processed. My children began to connect with the "soft" mom! The one with her guard down, the one who isn't perfect, after all! As days went by, I became unsettled, confused and desperately low spiritually. My once positive attitude had become diminished by the realty of life and its trials. I reflect today on how difficult it was at times to even get out of the bed, to do someone's hair, when my stomach was on fire, from the chemo treatment "they"called the RED DEVIL. There were days when I could have just melted away in the cocoon of my bed... just being still, just BEING! I had never in my life given in to ANYTHING. I, historically always come out swinging. But somewhere in this experience I learned to give in. NOT GIVE UP... but GIVE IN! I had to trust that the journey was for something. When I was stripped of my hair, and even my lashes and brows I felt naked, stripped down with no way to cover myself. I had to come to terms with my vanity and it was difficult, very difficult! And though it wasn't pretty, it was in fact beautiful! I had to be me, with no cover up! I began to like me, dare I even say LOVE me! And that is a great feeling.
At times now I feel more confused than anything, combining bits and pieces of the old me with the new me! I am a new creation, and the pieces don't fit just right yet. And I have learned we are in CONSTANT formation. It never ends. Even today will change me in some way. I pray that during this lent God shows me more of my new self and I pray that he knows I want to do His work. I want to share my life and my story to bring others closer to Him. I ask Him also today to give me a taste of that feeling of the humbled soft mom, whose children trust her love and enjoy her company. My time in the cocoon, the bleakness of winter, the devout time of Lent... all have a purpose, mirrors of life unfolding, redemption and resurrection! But first we must endure and GIVE IN to what today brings. I am so glad to have the faith that God has a plan and is with us in our suffering. Am grateful for the lesson of appreciating all of my blessings, big and small! Enjoy the pictures of my two little blessings of this past year!
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