Will have outpatient surgery on Thursday.

Am scheduled to have outpatient surgery on Thursday to have my medi port REMOVED! That is a good thing! Although the idea of another surgery isn't what I call something to look forward to, it'll be nice not to have this big lump protruding from my chest. I have not started radiation yet, don't know what the hold up is. I want to start, so I can finish!!  

Life seems to be shifting a little now that I am feeling better. I still get very fatigued, but certainly less and less each day. Patience seems to be the key word in recovery, and life in general. 

Yeah!... Tonight is American Idol night! It doesn't take much to entertain me.

Back to being a mom again, or at least trying!

Today, as promised to Layni, I attended her 5th grade field trip to Avery Island in New Iberia, La. We visited the McIlhenny Tabasco Plant (Popo would've loved this trip). I rode on the very loud and bumpy school bus with her class. It was a very interesting trip (we even tasted SWEET AND SPICY JALAPENO ICE CREAM!) and I thoroughly enjoyed being with Layni for the outing. I had concerns about being strong enough to last the day. I did have a rough spot when we went down to the water to see  the bird sanctuary and the alligators. I got a little behind the group while looking for my glasses, that I thought I had dropped while taking pictures, then as I scurried up the path to catch up with the group, my chemo caught up with me and slowed me down a bit. When I got up to the bus, Layni was already concerned about me and had alerted her teacher. For all they knew, an alligator had swallowed me up!! But I was okay, just a little out of breath from the uphill climb. I lie, I was a lot out of breath! Nasty effects of the chemo!  And all that time my stupid glasses were in my purse!!  Look closely at the top green, slimy picture... there's an alligator in there, somewhere. Also check out my new, red TABASCO hat. I am outgrowing my addiction to my wig... it's getting hotter and my hair is starting to grow back!! 

     

 In the morning, before we left for the field trip, I decided to pay a quick visit to my old friend, Jesus, in the adoration chapel at church. That is something I used to do every week, on a regular basis, aside from our regular Sunday attendance. When I started my chemo, there were very few Sundays that I felt well enough to go to mass, much less spend another hour in the adoration chapel. I have missed that time, because it was always such close spiritual time for me. I would sit in front of Jesus and journal for an hour, always walking away refreshed and rested! So my intention today was to whisk in for a minute and ask for a safe and blessed day and thank HIM for my process of healing, of both my cancer and my life. I knelt in front of the exposed Blessed Sacrament, with the intention of quickly stating my prayer and rushing out to be on time for the departure of the bus. As I knelt before our Lord, I was totally consumed by His love for me. So much so, that tears came, that could not be controlled and had I been alone in there, without others trying to pray, I could have easily just thrown myself on the floor and sobbed with a feeling of being consumed by the Spirit. I closed my eyes, easily recalling that Oh so close feeling to our loving God, it felt familiar again and I felt safe. (Something I haven't felt in a while!)  I didn't feel alienated from  the God that I know loves me so much. I soaked it all in, trusting I could take His Spirit with me for the day... for the rest of my life. I pray that each day I am somehow reminded of His love for me, in all my imperfection. I am so grateful to those who pray for me when, I can not lift myself, but it sure feels good when we do it on our own too!!! It was so good! I love tears!

Cancer can bring good things, like a new friend!

Way back in September (I think) on one of my visits to my surgeon, the nurse asked if it would be okay if she shared my phone # with another patient who was going through a very similar breast cancer experience. She thought that I would be good at helping support this patient through the experience! I agreed  and a little while later we did connect on the phone. I knew the minute that Jenny Comeaux and I talked on the phone, that we would fast become friends. What Jenny didn't realize that day was how much support I would get from her. Jenny and I both had a lumpectomy, and we started our chemo one day apart. We were given the same chemo, in the beginning and we went through waves of suffering, tears and depression and tolerating days of existing simultaneously! I did not know anyone personally, besides Jenny who was going through this with me step by step, in the truest physical sense. Because she had her treatments a day ahead of me she could always give me the heads up on what was to come! Jenny is a fact finder. I am not. Jenny has scoured the internet for vital information we needed to understand our treatment and make decisions. The less I knew the better, I tend to dwell on the negative or get too confused if I know too much. But what a relief to know that if I DID want to know the details of our cancer or our treatment, Jenny had it right there at her fingertips ready to enlighten me! I'll never forget the day she asked if I knew how much our NEULASTA shot cost! (that is the shot you get the day after chemo to help your white blood count) I had already met the deductible where the insurance started paying 100% so I wasn't that checked in to the actual medical statements. The shot was $6,000.00! OMG! We got one after each chemo!!! Can you believe that? Jenny continues to keep me informed, now keeping me up to date on our radiation experience. What a balance we have in our friendship, grounding each other in areas where we need support.

     Because we didn't feel that great for a while, most of our visits were via the telephone, but soon enough we would meet for an occasional lunch. One of the times we had lunch, following our HAIRLOSS, we were sitting in the mall in the food court, going on and on about our bald heads and our quests for the best wigs, when a lady stopped dead in her tracks to tell  us that she LOVED OUR HAIR!!! We just smiled and said thanks and when she walked away we just busted out laughing. It has been a treasure to find Jenny as a friend. She understands most everything I go through and we have shared many a tear together expressing our feelings as we journey through this experience together. 

   The pictures are from our last lunch date at Picadilly. She was already finished with chemo, cuz our second round was a different dosage. We went in the bathroom to compare hair regrowth  or the lack thereof and of course I had my camera. Jenny isn't quite as nutty as me, but she was a good sport and agreed to the picture in the Picadilly bathroom!! Today  when I woke up, there were two things I asked God to help me do for the day. One was my income tax return and the other was to call Jenny and tell her that I love her. While I worked on my taxes, Jenny called me! She was officially moving into a new house and had just come to grips with the grief of letting the old house go. She has been seeing about fixng up her new house while packing up her old house, in the midst of achy bones, migraines, nausea, fatigue and depression that comes with chemo. When she called we chatted while she drove over to  her new house. The conversation eased her mind and her heart and I got to tell her how much I love her. And how grateful I am for our friendship. We look forward to a day when our conversations don't revolve around cancer, chemo and radiation. Now that will be great! 

So tonight, as Jenny gets to sleep in her new house and start making new memories, I sit and contemplate how often we all forget to tell someone we love them or appreciate them. Last night Ricky and I cried together with a deep need to assure each other of our undying love that carries us through every day. He said how painful it was to watch me in the throws of chemo, not able to relieve my pain. Even today, after chemo is all  finished, Ricky patiently helps me in my fatigue and exhaustion. Friends, family and strangers... what I have learned from my husband's example is beyond belief. My husband assures me he was never going to allow me to give up. He gave and gave and prayed and prayed and I have learned more from his loving care than I would have ever dreamed.  Love is what gets us through all things, big and small. I am loved and blessed. 

Audrey Lane gets Baptized

Last night we celebrated the Baptism of Audrey Lane. Our good friend, Father Buddy came and baptized her at St. Joseph's Church. She was not crazy about cold water being poured on her head. But she was certainly surrounded by lots of love. It was a beautiful ceremony. 

So I'm FINISHED with Chemo!

It was VERY important to Layni that she get to see me at chemo. Every week she pleaded with me to skip school to go to chemo with me! I resisted because I wanted to spare her the unpleasant task of watching people receive their weekly dose of suffering. Yet she persisted... so for my last chemo, Ricky picked the girls up from school early and they came to meet me at chemo. I  am glad that they came, because I feel it is important that there are no secrets about what goes on inside the story of my cancer and treatment. So, no matter how difficult or how painful, it is best they see and know the truth. Most importantly, they got to witness my tearful good bye to my chemo nurses, Tracie and Sara. They are learning the value of trusted relationships and what true dedication is. 

Today Blanche and Matt ran the Race  for the Cure in my honor. I love you both... thanks. My camera died out before they ran. 

Pregnant again! (Don't worry it was only a dream!)

NOMO CHEMO!!!! 

This one is very deep!

Jesus  woke me up at 4:30 this morning! Ricky held me really close as I began to cry. This whole journey began in the middle of the night almost a year ago. I remember being gently awakened by Jesus. He often speaks to me when I think I should be sleeping. Could it be that in the busy-ness of my day I don't pay close attention to him? Some where around April when I was awakened in the night...  I remember when I woke up  I  was laying on my back and my left hand was oddly placed on my right breast. And before I moved to get comfortable Jesus told me to press firmly where my hand was and I immediately felt the lump in my breast. For someone with fibrocystic breast disease, that is not uncommon, but something was different. Not what I felt in the tissue of my breast but what I felt in the core of my heart. That day Jesus gently placed the word cancer on my heart and I knew my life would be changed forever. When I woke up for the day I  called for an appointment right away with my gyn. When I saw him he was not alarmed, and said it was most likely my fibrocystic disorder but not to ignore my yearly mammogram! (which was only a few months away) In retrospect I should've gone immediately, but that would've left me without the gifts of this wonderful/terrible journey. So although I medically should've seen about it sooner, I spiritually needed to grow through some pain! Then  a few weeks following that  I was at my friend,  Sandra's, "shopping" in her closet for an outfit to wear to Malorie's Bridal shower. As I am trying on clothes, I show her what I called a weird "cellulite dimple" under my arm. I'll never forget her face when she said, "Madelene, promise you will see about that soon, you may have a tumor attached to your breast muscle pulling that skin causing the dimple." I was shocked and said that I did have a fibrocystic tumor there and had seen about it but was scheduled for a mammogram soon after Mal's wedding. Sandra is a chiropractor by profession and had a little inside knowledge about health issues that I obviously needed to hear. She said how important it would be for me to get an ULTRASOUND in addition to my regular mammogram! That day I walked away grateful to my friend for a great outfit for Malorie's shower, later to learn I would be forever grateful to her for saving my life as I know it today. My radiology oncologist commented that her speaking out to me was vital for me getting the prompt and proper ultrasound that I needed. Sandra knows how I feel and how much I love her!!!  Ironically, this week as I searched for the perfect RODEO outfit I went back to Sandra's closet to shop and found the perfect skirt to go with my denim jacket. When I got home, I called her and said that I had just realized I had started the journey borrowing an outfit and how weird it was without even realizing I was ending the chemo journey by borrowing yet another outfit. I laughingly said, "I need to start buying my own damn clothes!" to which she replied, "If you had done that in May you might not have found your cancer as soon as you did and it might've progressed too far to successfully treat!" Everyday I am aware that breast  cancer, when not caught in time, can be fatal! Those words resonate to me OFTEN. Please don't ignore Jesus when he wakes you in the night!

So any way, this morning as I cried AGAIN to Ricky about the exhausting emotion that comes with celebrating my LAST chemo combined with the new person this experience is molding me into is wonderful, yet frightening. I  told him I don't want to rush anymore, I want to peacefully embrace the moments of the day! I am willing to embrace the new  radiation treatments and the new doctor and nurses and technicians, but am I ready to embrace the new me? Who is she, what does she love about life? I  know its about the journey, that I won't arrive somewhere and find the new Madelene... she is a work of art not yet completed... she is evolving. The journey will not end, I will not arrive at some magical destination in this lifetime... So I just need to embrace the journey, with my eyes on my Heavenly Father and know that my destination is of another world. For today I embrace health and life and claim it to be mine for a very long time! I embrace the beauty of my world and the people in my path who nourish my spirit and lift me as I struggle at times.

When I was getting ready for my day today, Blanche called to share with me a  "bad" dream she had, probably at the same time I was awakened by Jesus and felt a wave of odd depression, as I cried  to Ricky. Keep in mind that Blanche is one of my kids who doesn't just go through pain with me, she bears it herself too! So she has taken on more of my pain than I would've hoped. She said that she dreamed that it was my last day of chemo and to celebrate, the whole family went on a little trip to, but she said I was all depressed and not happy and as she put it "Mom, you were being such a bitch!"  (I then told her how I had waken in the night feeling confusingly sad and anxious. Right then I starting praying I wouldn't act like a bitch today!!)  But then she said wait mom, in the dream you finally said that you needed us to understand why you were so upset... you were pregnant!!!     Right away, we laughed at that and I thanked her for sharing her dream with me and told her how on target she was with my feelings of anxiety. After we hung up it struck me that my friend Robin, who is a spiritual director, always says that when we dream of births, it can actually represent a part of ourselves we give birth to as well as giving birth to something or some part of us that is new!! So I think, it is no accident that Blanche, she who bears my pain, should reveal to me a thought of me "birthing" the new me.  Blanche said in the dream they were all concerned that the "BABY" would not be okay because of all the cancer and chemo, but what I know for sure is that the new person I am giving birth too could never have emerged as the person she will be, without the cancer and chemo.   Each member of my family has changed in some way because of this experience. We are all "giving birth" to a new part of us as a result of this cancer experience. I love my family so much. God has blessed me beyond measure. Some days it makes me sad that they all had to suffer and watch me be in pain. But my children, just like most children, are resilient and will find ways to take from this experience the good things they have learned. I trust in a God who heals us when we are broken.

So off I will go to my last chemo. It is an awesomely beautiful, emotional day. I love my life!

Here is a poem that Robin emailed me called "A BIRTHING" after I shared the dream with her. It is awesome! Enjoy!

  

A Birthing

Holy Midwife,
you rejoiced at the birth of creation.
I hold up to you the intuited mystery
of something new being birthed in me.
It has no face, no name, no sound, no shape.
I only know that something unperceived
is meant to come to life
inside the womb of my deepest self.
Is it greater depth or valuable clarity?
Is it a whole new way of being?
I fail to understand what it might be.
My knowing is as faint as the light of a new moon.

I know I must trust in your unfailing care.
You will be attentive to this unnamed one
who struggles mightily to be released within me.
Help me to be attuned to the contractions of my spirit,
to relax when I ought and push when I must.
Encourage me to believe in what I cannot yet see.
Be by my side as I await this mysterious new life,
still curled up inside my pregnant spirit.

Let me have faith in something good slowly taking shape
and be trusting enough to stay in the birthing process.
Let me be willing to endure the sweat and the groans
and to cheer wildly when new life comes bursting forth.

Prayers to Sophia p.18
-Sr. Joyce Rupp

My First Rodeo and my LAST CHEMO!! (Making Memories of Us)

YEE HA!! Well the Rodeo was such a HOOT! I am still pinching myself, cuz I was in such "High Cotton"! We had a leisurely trip to Houston and took a little rest when we arrived. Then at 3:30 our driver and Limo arrived and I must admit I got a little cheesey... I lie, I was as cheesey as they come! Melba and Ronnie, Ann and Don Bucklin (friends of Melba and Ronnie) and Ricky and I rode together in the limo, complete with champagne, hor d'oeuvres and the finest wine, all the while, Keith Urban music serenading us the whole way there! When ever Ronnie asked if it was my first limo ride, he said the proper way to answer that in Texas is to say, "Yes, in one this small!" We mosied around the very big Western style booths, at the rodeo until things got a little smelly... wasn't interested in getting up close and personal with the livestock. Then we found our way to our SUITE, complete with food and beverages! So when one of Ronnie's TEXAN rodeo veteran friends asked me, "Is this your 'first rodeo' ?" I politely answered (as instructed by Ronnie), "Yes, one this small!" I so enjoyed the actual rodeo, complete with bucking bulls and rodeo clowns and even little 5 year old kids riding bare back on very quick little sheep! So fun to watch. Then of course the best part was Keith Urban singing to a full house (probably about 60,000). And yes he did sing STUPID BOY!  But one of my favorites is "Making Memories of us"! LOVE IT!! (He dedicated that one to his wife, Nicole Kidman, who he said was with him at the rodeo) You can listen to it by clicking on the video bar to the right of this post!

I am so delighted to have had such an exciting  and fun experience to top off this last week of chemo! Thanks, Melba and Ronnie. I love you both so much. You have been such a loving support to me, especially in the last few months. It was an awesome RODEO. Memories to cherish forever. 

Chemo tomorrow... FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!!!  Am praising God for the gifts and blessings that have made the suffering tolerable! Thanks to everyone for the love, support and prayers. 

Please continue to lift us as I go on to radiation treatments for the next 6 or 7 weeks. The oncologist said my strength will return in small increments, so I must try to be patient, AGAIN!

Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!"

- I Peter 1:6

What do Keith Urban And Madelene Boudreaux have in common?

                                                             TATTOOS!!
Well tomorrow we head WEST to the Houston Rodeo. Shopping, rodeoing and KEITH URBAN! Melba has our day mapped out, making it as wonderful  as possible, down to the limo ride! And I am so pumped! Am looking forward to an outing that doesn't include scans, IV's or blood work! 

Today I got my radiation markers and tattoos! The tech wasn't very creative, she couldn't make me a nice fleur de lis or anything,  just a few permanent tattoo dots!  And  a bunch of SHARPIE  marker X's and lines. I am certainly learning something everyday about each process. I had no idea I had to be TATTOOED!   

Will try to post my rodeo experience on Wednesday when we get back  home. Am grateful to be getting away for a tiny bit and not dwell on anything related to cancer.

Happy Birthday Maddie and Haley!

             Yesterday Ricky and I compromised a household rule.... No boy/girl parties at our house. I think having eight kids has made us try to always keep things simple and less complicated. So we always encouraged smaller, more intimate parties with just a few  close friends for the kids birthday parties... avoiding extra drama as often as possible. Since my diagnosis, with  my physical limits during chemo I have felt certainly less than adequate as a parent. I have felt some sadness about my  absence as a mother, that my children have had to endure. Although I have been here, I have been here in a very limited  way. But as their birthday approached and they requested a BONFIRE birthday party with boys and girls, this time I wanted to honor their wishes. Not out of guilt, but out of a true sense of wanting to give them what they deserved. They have been so patient and loving in my whole cancer and chemo experience. So we said yes. Ricky was going to cook his great barbecue hamburgers and build them a bonfire... and then it rained ALL day. I got my typical third day after chemo exhaustion and panicked that I wouldn't feel up to the challenge. I rested all afternoon and gathered up the energy and we switched the BONFIRE (because of the rain) to a dancing party that turned our great! One of the guys in their class has some full throttle DJ equipment and he did a super job of providing some very loud music. They all danced and had a great time..."The best party ever, MOM!!! Thank you so MUCH!"...  They are a great bunch of kids that were so well behaved.  I look at the twins birthday picture and think Oh my God they are so grown up!... We are ALL GROWING UP!  This whole experience is changing all of us in big and small ways. I am grateful for the experience. How else was I gonna learn to not think I was in control of everything? P.S. Ricky did the forbidden and went out and  danced with them to APPLE BOTTOM JEANS! He is such a cool daddy!

another perspective of cancer treatment

As my last treatment of chemo approaches, I am facing this strange feeling of separation anxiety from the care of the oncology professionals who have been taking care of me for the last few months. I have an exhilarating feeling of joy knowing the chemo is almost done, yet will miss the security of the constant watchful care of my chemo nurses and doctor checking on me every week.
Both Tracie and Sara, my nurses who would administer my chemo meds, were so helpful and considerate, always helping me make the best of a somewhat miserable situation. They both shared with me their own experience of each having dealt with their own mother's breast cancers. They both know first hand the personal effects of cancer.
In an effort to share someone else's perspective of cancer, Tracie agreed to share with me, and all of you who read this blog, what it is like to be an oncology nurse. I appreciate the time she took to gather her thoughts and share her experience with us. This is what she wrote:

     This is a special request from Mrs. Madelene, one of my dearest patients. She asked me to express what it feels like to take care for someone with cancer. 

     Let me first tell you, I have been a nurse for 16 years. Nursing is my passion. Better yet, acute care or emergency care was my passion for the first 14 years. Until one day, while I was working in the ER in Lake Charles as a contract worker,  I was asked to take the place of the oncology nurse going on maternity leave!!! I thought, are you serious?? Oncology? Cancer? Dying, sick people who would depress me? But I was talked into it and I tried it. Oh how I was enlightened! That day I was not surrounded by those kind of people I thought I would be. I was surrounded by people who really knew what living and life was really about. Their definition of living was so different than my distorted definition. All this time I thought I was living life in the fullest. What a mistake! Needless to say after that one, and I say ONE day, my passion changed from ER to oncology. 

     Most everyone in this Southwest Louisiana area has been touched with cancer in some way, either personally or know someone who was touched by cancer. For those who have not, you can't imagine the strength and courage these patients have once they hear the word cancer. No matter how weak they may seem, they are fighting every minute, because there is not  a minute that goes by they do not think of their CANCER. They have to find ways to overcome the fear that comes along  with a cancer diagnosis. And no matter how scared they are, they continue to fight  and return for more of  the stuff that makes them sick... the chemo. Gosh, how awesome is that?

     Living to them means waking up to the sunshine or rain, or telling someone "I love you", seeing the birds fly, the clouds move, or the flowers grow. Whereas most people take that for granted, they see it as a blessing as God meant for it to be. They are thankful for the simple things in life. They are fighting a hard battle with a smile. To them, cancer in not about dying, it is about living! 

     Oncology nursing is the most gratifying job I have ever experienced. Especially when I had to treat my own mother. As scared as I was, I knew I had to put my fear aside to ease hers. She felt so blessed to be experiencing the scariest thing in her life with her daughter's help. Being able to do this made our family much more knowledgeable and less fearful. 

Tracie Dubose

     I remember the day that Tracie and I took this picture,  I was so emotional, I couldn't even talk without crying and she said how she was feeling sad that day too because she was concerned about one of her children's health and how hard it was when her children were sick because dealing with cancer everyday made her over sensitive to normal everyday symptoms that people not in her profession would never give a second thought to.  As I uploaded the photo of the two of us, I could see the stress  of the day in both our eyes. Her job is not an easy one! 

I will be forever grateful to Tracie and Sara for their loving and kind care. And in a couple  weeks I will go on to begin my 35 days of radiation (5 days a week for 7 weeks) and probably get all attached to the staff at the radiology clinic too! I can also begin rebuilding my very weakened body with much needed nutritional supplementing. And gradually, day by day, get stronger and stronger... and grow back my hair, which by the way, is coming back with much more gray than I remember!!!  Now that is not funny!

Something to smile about!

 One more chemo!!! I can't believe the end of  treatment is right around the corner. I am feeling so grateful. There is a lot I have to smile about. Audrey's little afternoon visits are at the top of the list. She is trying so hard to "talk" to us. She is the smartest baby in the world! And so pretty too. Here is a video of her we took today to prove I am right!! Spoken like a true grandma!

A Starbuck's Home Tasting Event

This morning, Bryan gave Sheila and Kristin and I a sampling of  3 Starbuck's coffees, paired  with foods that complimented each one. I had no idea the variety available and how the foods would effect the flavor of each type of coffee. We had to sniff it, slurp it, then taste it with a designated food.  It was a new experience for me. Hopefully the next "tasting" will include wine. One thing I know for sure, if there is something to learn about anything, Bryan will always be right up there with the best of them, getting information I would never dream existed. 'Twas fun!

More health decisions.

My last chemo/oncology appointment brought up a big choice I really hadn't given much consideration. The oncologist has recommended a follow up five year plan of either Tamoxifen or Arimidex. Both of which would have less than desirable side effects. Matter of fact most of those listed are exactly what I'm experiencing with the chemo, like bone and muscle pain, INCREASED  hot flashes, BONE LOSS,  Or, how bout this one? One side effect could result in uterine cancer. Well isn't that just grand? There is a lot for me to consider, and I am educating myself and talking to people with a previous experience. But I must say I am leaning towards really boosting my body and nourishing it rather than continuing to treat it harshly for another 5 years. My cancer being an estrogen driven cancer is why they recommend the follow up drug. I will continue to read and learn all I can about the treatment as well as any alternatives. Meanwhile, I pray, that the Lord leads me down the right path and I trust in his guidance. I am ready to get back on track no matter what!

THE GOOD NEWS IS ....Move over Michael Buble', cuz next week, GET THIS, Ricky and I Get to go see KEITH URBAN at the Houston Rodeo...(THE BIGGEST  INDOOR RODEO EVER!!) My dear friend Melba invited us to go to Houston  for the concert on Tuesday and I am so pumped. So we get to hear Keith Urban sing STUPID BOY just for Ricky, in person! I will have to move my LAST chemo back one day to do this but it'll be SO worth it. I've never been to a rodeo either so that will be a first for me. Bryan and Kristin will hold down the home front for us to be able  have this little get away. What a way to celebrate my last treatment!!! Guess I better shine up my cowgirl boots! 

And so the flowers begin to bloom!

Somewhere back in November while I hid away in a dark and dreary place, my husband would sneak away and in small increments of time, he would plant flowers in my garden, slowly working his way around the house in our very large garden. Planting flowers is therapy for me. Digging in the dirt makes me feel connected to the earth and its purposes. Ricky , on the other hand typically doesn't usually enjoy planting flowers. But this year he did it out of a desire to give me something to smile about. Snapdragons are one of my favorite flowers. They are so bold in color and their design is so unique. He planted lots of snaps. Meanwhile, I stayed inside, waiting for the the dreariness of winter to fade away. He was impatient with the results of his hard work, not realizing that the true beauty of the snapdragons would not unfold until the promise of Spring chased away the bite of Winter. I'm sure it is no accident that as I emerge out of the cold and dreary experience of chemo, so too, will the seasons change. The end of March brings a promise of a new kind of life for me. So as the flowers burst into full bloom, I embrace the end of chemo and gladly move on to what Spring has in store for me. Both of which are soon approaching.

To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.

Today I looked in the mirror!

Today before I put my makeup on I REALLY looked in the mirror. OMG!!!  I have maybe three hairs left on each eyebrow and eyelid. Hardly anything for mascara to cling to. I remember as a child seeing ladies who would "draw" on their eyebrows. Now I am one of them!  It looks like I drew them on crooked in the picture, but I think I just have an eyebrow cocked up on one side. I also couldn't help see the affect the chemo has had on me. I look as tired as I am. I seriously think I have aged at least three years in the last 5 months. That is not the same face I started this journey with! Being dehydrated all the time has a bad affect on 51 year old skin. And there is pain in my eyes that never existed before.  But something about what I saw in the mirror made me want to post it in it's raw untouched state. It is what is real to me right here and now. Yeah, I know that very  few people look good without their makeup on, but because I always go around with makeup and people all say wow, you look so good, you don't look sick at all, I wanted you guys to see the real me!! But what I want you to know is that the "made-up" me is the real me too. It is who I am, it is how I roll. I guess I always figure if I walked around looking like I felt like shit then everyone would have this "poor Madelene" attitude toward me and I would start needing the sympathy... It's kinda hard to describe, but I feel better dwelling on how good things can be rather than dwelling in the low and dark places! Melba sent me a youtube video of her "breast cancer survivor'" friend who does speaking engagements to tell her story and encourage other women on the journey. She is a super lady with spunk and class. www.youtube.com/gracegivens  I have taken this quote from her website, which is similar to what I'm thinking works best for me... "If you force yourself to look terrific, even in the throes of chemo, you can trick yourself into believing that you are well, and survival will follow. Once survival has been achieved and your power has resurged, it will become incumbent on you to live each moment to the fullest and to share the gift with others. You must give back!" 

For now, what I know for sure, is that the girl in the picture is really that tired, she is really not as vivacious as she used to be, but one day soon she will emerge from this and be vibrant and full of life again. For right now she depends on the love and support of her family and friends to remind her that she will return! Til then, I just fake it til I make it! (and thank God in heaven I am good at applying makeup!)

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

                            -Donna Roberts

Very WINDY at Toledo Bend!

Went to Toledo Bend this weekend to do some work at Ronnie and Melba's camp. Holy Camoly, was it WINDY! The lake looked like the gulf  instead of a lake! I spent the whole weekend in the house. Ricky spent most of the day, Saturday  painting the master bathroom. The chemo kicked my butt this week and I was very tired most of Saturday. Good thing Blanche came to helped cuz I loose a little more stamina each week. (And it'll take weeks post chemo to build back up) The kids played outside, although, no body went fishing. It was even too cold for a campfire so we made our SMORES in the microwave and lit a fire in the fireplace instead, which Matt thought would exempt him from playing the guitar, but after a little coaxing and a lot of wine he agreed! Included the video with this post.