It's been a long two months and for any of you who've followed this blog, you know that I have tried to keep it real and pleasantly entertaining, but I have come to a place that can't be embellished by carefully chosen words, for there are no words. But the pictures, my friends will not lie. The truth is captured in my eyes, reflective of the much needed bravery I must claim every morning when I face a new day, yet these same eyes cannot hide the pain and disappointment and anxiety that I feel when I really think about what is unfolding in this process called chemo therapy.
It is no secret that I am a vain person. I love trendy clothes and shoes and have a serious addiction to lipstick, mascara and eye makeup. It is part of who I am. It is my job! People pay me to help them look good! So at the onset of my hair finally beginning to fall out, I felt myself slide into a frenzy of emotion! I had read that 70-90% of the women who have breast cancer's worst fear is the hair loss. I now understand that high percentage rate. It really feels SUCKY to loose your hair, NO LIE! Our hair is such a part of who we are as women. And even though I have spent all of my parenting years saying, "It's what's on the inside that counts!", now I have to embrace those words myself and make them really count. So digging as deep as I can, I am seeing that I truly do love myself. I love my sense of humor, I love my gutsiness for opening my heart to having a big family, (I didn't really know how hard it would be) I love my creative mind and my willingness to participate in life, I love my devotion to my friends and theirs' to me, I love my willingness to admit my failures and imperfections (only newfound since the cancer!) I love my eyes, because they can't hide my smile, I love my positive attitude (sometimes hard to muster lately) and I love my willingness to be honest. This may all seem boastful, but I feel its important to embrace our "good stuff". It is the essence of what God created in us. Somewhere in all of this I am finally "GETTING" that God doesn't want us sitting around doubting our deservedness! He doesn't want us wasting precious moments focusing on our inadequacies, and our faults and failings. He wants us to rise up and and feel empowered by the experience that life is providing. He wants us to empower others. We can praise him through our grateful hearts, even when our life is challenged, because no matter what, there is always something good going on in our circle! There are blessings even in the worst of days. I want my children to learn early in life to appreciate all the goodness they possess, before they doubt the very blessings they have inside. But sometimes, even when we know all the "good stuff" life just creeps up and zaps you of your MOJO! That happened to me on the third day of this second round of chemo! I felt like crap, nauseated as hell, and got really depressed laying in bed with hair shedding all over my pillow! So today when I woke up with hair in my mouth, I decided it was SHAVE THE HEAD DAY! I had to have Ricky around for that big task, cuz he is my earthly ROCK. But the twins wanted to help too, while Bryan and Kristin would handle the photo journaling of the event! It was emotional, to say the least. But I feel set free now that it's over. Amen to that! Above are the pictures that captured my emotion for the day. It is REAL! REALLY REAL! If you have followed along on this blog feeling the slightest bit tempted to post a comment and have not done so I encourage you to do so now. And if you don't, that is certainly okay too! I am in awe that any one even follows this blog/ journal! You can not fathom how deeply I value your love and support. I do this blog to express myself, to purge and cleanse all that rises up from my soul, to help me cope, but some where along the way God whispered to me that it was for you too! I think that sometimes we all stand guarded with our words for fear of not saying the "right" thing, while the "recipient" of your unspoken words waits anxiously to gather every morsel God can send through those we love! I love you all so much. I guess today wasn't a total waste of hairspray after all!
Cancer is limited... It cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul, it cannot reduce eternal life and it cannot quench the spirit.
11 comments:
What a woman!!!
I just wanted to tell you how proud I am to say that I know and love you. I know you will win this battle.
You are in my prayers daily.
Love,
LaNette
So what's a little hair down the drain when you'll have the rest of your life to grow it back! (That's what they tell you, anyway!) I never quite believed the doctors and remembered how relieved I felt when I was told I could skip the chemo. Maddie, can you imagine my round head and face . . . still freckled . . with no eyebrows . . and no hair to balance my "never-fixed" Faulk nose!? Well, that image should make you laugh til you wet your pants! On the other hand, I think you look as beautiful as ever -- even hairless (for the moment). If the eyes are truly the windows to the soul, yours is looking sad and blessed at the same time. So lets count on all the blessings this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed to have you as my baby sister. Love always, Angie
After reding your words today, I will go out and celebrate what I have. I am also blessed with family, friends, and a relationship with God tha will get me through all the good times and bad times. YOu are beautiful.
Love ya, Mary
Madeline,
You still look gorgeous, like Demi Moore in GI Jane. Look on the bright side. It makes getting ready a breeze!
Keep the Faith, and so will I.
Judy Guillot
Madeline,you are still beautiful!I checked your blog last night and first thing when I woke up this morning.You inspire me ALOT!You don't need hair to be beautiful.......Praying for you Kim Hebert;-)
Aunt Madelene,
You beauty never changes! Hair or no hair! I am in awe of your courage and strength. If I am every presented with a challenge in my life like yours, I hope I get through it with the same grace and beauty as you have!
Kisses,
Monique
Wow! You are awesome and inspiring...and beautiful, inside and out! You have my love and prayers each day.
Love,
Mackenzie
Madelene, your words touch me deeply. You are so inspiring to so many people. Just the fact that you are sharing so much of yourself, so intimately, speaks volumes about you. I have so many blessings in my life, calling you friend is at the top of the list.
love and peace,
Melba
Madelene,
I can only imagine the amount of strength it took for you to take this step! Mom refused to shave hers when it started falling out, and I believe her watching it fall out little-by-little made the whole process more difficult and emotional for her. You took control during a time when it probably seems you have NO control over anything!! As everyone said, you are BEAUTIFUL! Stay strong =)
Jesus is right there with you, so near you may feel His breath upon you, no matter how difficult....you're never alone....I keep you in my heart and in my prayers through this time...TRUST!!!
You are an amazing person! Your words and wisdom have changed us all. You make us realize that nothing is impossible...Keep the faith.....we are all cheering for you.
Andrea's mom
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