Beginning to process!

This morning I had a surprise visit from a casual friend who has also had her own cancer experience. I am typically always rushing to get ready to do something or go somewhere, but in my new life processes, I have slowed down quite a bit. So this morning I didn't feel hurried and welcomed her visit! We sat for a while sharing our experiences, noting so many similarities in what we went through.  One in particular, was learning to allow people to do things for you, simple things that you could never imagine not being able to do! Another was how we had both been moved to a quiet listening space, spiritually. A place where, as strong willed people, we were able to give up control and release unnecessary anger and replace it with love and trust! (A job, I must say gets challenged every minute of every day.) I could see in her a genuine trust in God, a love and devotion to her spiritual connection to God and those she loves. I saw a willingness to continue her journey and let it all be about serving the Lord! I saw how she recognizes the gift in every experience, even in the awful/beautiful cancer! As I was sitting listening to her, awestruck by her confident, loving words, I was thinking how I wished I could be like that! 

She told me that I possessed strengths, clearly visible by others and how my experience has already changed me and those in my circle. I talked about how I had laughed this morning when  I told a friend of mine I had to start taking my STUPID 5 year cancer prevention medicine this week , and how she reminded me not to call it my stupid medicine! (I know the ramifications of negative talk and sometimes have to be reminded of the power of my words) They both assured me that, taken willingly and especially through prayer, this medicine may very well, in fact prevent my cancer from reoccurring, maybe even without any side effects! She reminded me to call on Jesus if I did experience more physical pain as a result of my medicines, (like the joint pain I am having from the residual effects of chemo) She told me to ask Jesus to reach out his hand from the cross and ask him to heal my pain with the hands that already suffered for me!

I am deeply moved when people show up and offer me their hearts. I am asking God to help me do the same for others. I hear his call and am a willing servant! Where will he lead? For now, I serve Him in each moment, and that is plenty, for every moment is so full. If he should call me to broader territories he will equip me with the necessities! I feel his blessings in the normalcy of my life. In the routines of a normal day, with no doctors appointments and time to plant flowers and complain about the heat, or rejoice in the rain, or dance like a fool in the kitchen and make my kids laugh! I am beginning to trust again, that  soon days will pass and I will not think about cancer, for life is too full, there is more joy to be had and I'm sure more pain too. I am learning to embrace the joy and let God carry me through the trials. I am grateful to God for my cancer, for it has taught me to make peace with my tender side, that has long been overshadowed by a need to be strong, independent, self sufficient and right!  I am amazed that I can even admit any of this, it is so freeing to be humbled to the point of needing the love of others and trusting that love is safe and will carry you through! 

The other day someone told me that when she reads this blog it looks like we have the "perfect" family! I said, "Yeah, key words... LOOKS LIKE!!!"  We have our trials, daily, my kids fuss and argue like anyones kids. I loose my patience all the time, Ricky is a big push over with the kids and we disagree a lot about discipline! But when the day is over and we look at what we have, God has blessed us with experiences that draw us close to each other and we love deeply, very deeply! In the middle of all the mistakes and all the chaos and especially in the midst of fumbling through my cancer, our family  had to dig way down and lean on each other. What I know for sure, is that when you are faced with a life threatening situation, you will rely mainly on your immediate family to get you through the things you cannot do alone. They are the ones who are there to kiss you good night and say Mom...hope you feel better when you wake up. They are the ones who will lay beside you when you can't lift your head off the pillow and stroke your bald head and cry with you! They are the ones who secretly retreat to a quiet place to tell the Lord how frightening it is to see mom sick... The very people we take for granted everyday and loose patience with are the very ones who will not let you down. As each day passes, I see more and more clearly the beautiful character traits  that are unfolding in the hearts of my husband and children! I now know why they are called  our loved ones!

 Our suffering will always bring us to glorious places, that I know for sure!